I'm stuck in a rut. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to have my holidays start so early. Having no exams this semester, I've sunken too deep into the holiday mood, mired in a cycle of eating, sleeping until 2pm, junk food, guilt runs (It's like a guilt trip only its a run so you can eat more junk later at night), and endless episodes of Breaking Bad.

So deep into this that I have no mood, no motivation to do serious work of any kind at all. I know I should be redoing my portfolio, maybe take part in a couple of competitions but there is absolutely no drive to get me going. Kaput.  I am a car that is stuck in a tar pit, slowly sinking into the muck.

Meanwhile, the coming exchange has me excited and yet here I am spending all this money on preparing for it with no income. Massive guilt coming through. Therein lies the vicious cycle. Lollygagging the whole day has its perks, yes, but one can only float about with no reason for existence for so long.

Then when I try to find gainful employment, my own sloth thwarts me at each step. I would be so much happier if I had some way of earning money or keeping myself busy. As things stand, I just submitted a half-done portfolio for a possible internship because well, these things take time to do and I haven't finished it so I didn't have that much of a choice. Sigh.

All that stress over the portfolio and how crappily it out turned out is pouring major amounts of self doubt all over myself. It's pretty bad. And being in this rut means that creatively, I ain't doing too good as well. When leads to me doubting myself as a designer.

Just got my results for studios today, not sure if there is any mistake because I am doubting (There's that word again) I did possibly get that grade for that studio. I dunno. It's weird. Also, seeing a couple friends interning at that place already plus my creative inability to turn out anything respectable for myself opens up a huge can of worms I'm looking at right now.

Namely, am I bad? I used to want to be a writer (Pfft, a writer? In Singapore?) Then a scientist (Bah, mugging) and then a designer. Now I'm questioning and worrying about the third. And by extension, the rest of my life. What will I be when I get out? My family's not rich, and a designer don't make a lot here too. So what exactly am I looking at?

All this pointless living from day to day has gotten to me. I look at people with other activities and shit and meeting and work. Why can't I find these things to do I stead of wasting my life at home? (although I have to admit Breaking Bad is addictive, pun intended) I don't even know where to start. Well, tomorrow I've got an event to attend and maybe the day after I can force myself to continue working over that portfolio.

I really really hope I can get a short-term job, or an internship. Something to occupy myself. As my friend pointed out: you're going on exchange, its like the ultimate holiday. That's right, so I should make myself do some serious work now. Play comes later. What an attitude to treat my holiday huh.