"...at first you were afraid you'd die, then you were afraid you wouldn't."

-Duma Key, Stephen King

Hi guys. I'm very tired, but I'm back. Missed you all. Anyways, pioneers are coming this week, so I won't be able to go for nights out anymore. Just a heads up. =( That's why this week I didn't return home. Did a LOT of area cleaning. Really over the top. A lot of stuff happened, but I won't type it out here. Especially when the new course is coming in. Sensitive, perhaps.

Nevertheless, Tues I went...went...I can't remember where I went. Sigh. I'm totally wasted. Thurs we got stuck in a jam on our way to the backwoods of Singapore. Woodlands. No offence. LOL. I don't go there much. Make that once a few years. Our days have just been spent doing heavy lifting, cleaning, and setting up of stuff for the new course. Lifted until my tshirt was totally SOAKED in sweat. =\

Just very exhausting, physically and mentally, even with say, 7 hours of sleep, because we have to throw in regular PT on top of several hours of cleaning and preparation. Today, rushed home (thank goodness for a slightly earlier book out) and showered and had dinner and went to UCC by cab. 20+ Jeez. =\

Oh well, met ben, wandered around before the concert. I enjoyed it throughly. The script was good, the plot interesting, the chraacters interesting, and the dances nice. Tried to surprise XW after the concert. Tried to. Apparently she came from a direction we were not expecting, and she saw us first. =( The first thing I saw was a white blur heading towards ben. Lol. Nevertheless I was glad to have made her so happy. =)

She went to bedok later, so we decided to wait for tak. Left left because of the time, and she probably was tired too. Maybe meeting up tomorrow for breakfast? I hope I can wake up. The fatigue is in very part of my body. Uni uni uni. After all the happy talk of ORDing and going to uni and how much I can't wait, I wonder...

Today was the first time I went to a university in months. Maybe a year plus? It's so big. So vibrant. So...so scary. The irony. For all my morbid talk about BMT, one year on I'm here worrying about university. It was, I dunno, culture shock? Its a whole new world. Full of brand new things, new experiences, and there is, a fear of the unknown. Of commitments to be.

I've looked over the edge and all I see in fog. Endless, endless fog. What will happen when I get to the jump? It's so big. So full of possibilities. New people. So FREE. So MUCH FREEDOM. I's something I crave for, yearned, and have not experienced in a very long time.

I think I have forgotten what it's like to live life according to your own schedule, not under someone's thumb, not to be in fear of punishment if you are late or fail to turn up. (I'm referring to booking in) A place where your royal arseness' presence is not legally required to show up before a particular time.

I have forgotten what it's like. And I'm afraid. What will it be like? Could my incarceration have stunted some aspect of my social growth? What if I'm a FREAK? What if I can't interact with people? What if I cannot make friends? I don't want to spend my uni life ALONE sequestered in one corner.

It's just so, so big. I want to try staying in hall. Maybe I want to try and see if I can handle the commitments. Which one? What should I do? Can I make it? Can I juggle it? What if I miss my course's orientation and end up without friends. WHAT? What if I end up hiding in my room, emergining to do stuff so I can stay there? What if I can't take it? What if I SUCK? So many choices. Or should I stay in a hostel. More me-time, more time to study less commitments but more expensive. I need to save money.

HOW? I've spent so much time with people making all my choices for me. What clothes to wear (HAHAHAHA =.=) what to eat at every meal, what to do, where to go. What if I'm stuck. Can I make the correct choice. XW seems so happy there, but she always seems so busy. What if I end up not having time for my own friends? I'm am resisting the urge to swear.

Dammit. I think I'm just really really tired. Sigh. I shall try to sleep. And maybe wonder about what the future hold. Oh goody I just realised all the complicated processes required for this and that. WHY AM I THINKING OF THIS NOW? 10 more months plus OKAY.

Freedom. I still want it. It feels right. Some nights, I lie in bed thinking of the people outside. I want to call my friends, yet I'm afraid I'll disturb them. In the end I settle for a bout of tossing and turning before my restless sleep, as the night carries me away into a jumble of incoherent dream images and the spotlight burns ever steadily through the window of my bunk.