“But that's the glory of foreign travel, as far as I am concerned. I don't want to know what people are talking about. I can't think of anything that excites a greater sense of childlike wonder than to be in a country where you are ignorant of almost everything. Suddenly you are five years old again. You can't read anything, you have only the most rudimentary sense of how things work, you can't even reliably cross a street without endangering your life. Your whole existence becomes a series of interesting guesses.” 
― Bill Bryson, Neither Here Nor There: Travels in Europe

So FUCKING true and yet so damn awesome. I have experienced this first hand and I can say this is one of the best experiences one can have. No regrets. I am so lucky to be here doing this. I haven't blogged in weeks (?) but then I have been consumed by the various daily tasks I have to handle living here in Eindhoven, as well as the constant planning and surfing to make the arrangements for our next trip out.

Time is ticking away, tick tick tick whether I want it to or not, and I must make full time of the time and opportunities I have been given here. This is the way to life life by! I have waited so long to go overseas and it's such a wonderful experience. Learning to live and adapt to a foreign country, making my own dinners, cycling everywhere I go, life is so different and enjoyable here!

Italy was a real eye opener. I was SO EXCITED. I have always wanted to visit Italy, and well Palermo just happened to be near our arrival location at Trapani. I have heard of Palermo, and now I get the chance to visit it! The buildings were magnificent and the statues and architecture were so intricate and beautiful. Comapre this to the shallow commercialism of back home. You can breathe history here. PLUS I got to try cannoli in it's origin location. I honestly believe it's a once-in-a-lifetime experience, bucket-list worthy. Its not everyday, or easily that one gets to try a particular food in the region it was developed in, halfway around the world.

The ruins I visited were awe-inspiring. They were so huge and colossal, they must have been impressive when they were still standing. I wish I could see them. It was rainy and I didn't geta lot of nice photos but it was still enjoyable.  The food in Italy is SO GOOD. Pizza for 5 EUR is DAMN CHEAP. Especially when the sizes they came in was like a Regular for us. 10-12". Italian is such a fun language to learn! I hope to pick up more. I learnt a bit of it there so we can use it again next time.

The fun part is speaking to each other and reply in different languages. So fun. I must do it more often!

Living here is so wonderfully European! I unlock the door, climb up the narrow steps to my apartment, and unlock it. Similar going out...I take my shoes to the door, put them on, then climb down to the main door, exit and grab my bike. There's is something just so wonderfully captivating about it. I must film it one day.

Isn't telling about something—using words, English or Japanese—already something of an invention? Isn't looking upon this world already something of an invention?"
"Uhh..."
"The world isn't just the way it is. It is how we understand it , no? Doesn't that make life a story?"

-The Life of Pi, Yann Martel 

People from all over the world have passed through this village, son,” said his father. “They come in search of new things, but when they leave they are basically the same people they were when they arrived. They climb the mountain to see the castle, and they wind up thinking that the past was better than what we have now. They have blond hair, or dark skin, but basically they’re the same as the people who live right here.”
“But I’d like to see the castles in the towns where they live,” the boy explained.
“Those people, when they see our land, say that they would like to live here forever,” his father continued.
“Well, I’d like to see their land, and see how they live,” said his son.
“The people who come here have a lot of money to spend, so they can afford to travel,” his father said. “Amongst us, the only ones who travel are the shepherds.”
“Well, then I’ll be a shepherd!”

 -The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

So I welcomed Christmas by watching the last few episodes of Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex. I'd glad I got myself interested in this series it's one of the best anime I've come across. Suffice to say the second last episode was a depressingly emotional and sad way to welcome Christmas with. Feeling the ebb of the Christmas spirit. Feeling awfully bland this year, and results come out tomorrow. I just want to getaway from it all. I won't want to live here anymore for the time being. I want to go off someplace new, start in a new land with new things and a new environment. Leave this life behind.

"You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write 'Fuck you' right under your nose."

-The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger

I'm stuck in a rut. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to have my holidays start so early. Having no exams this semester, I've sunken too deep into the holiday mood, mired in a cycle of eating, sleeping until 2pm, junk food, guilt runs (It's like a guilt trip only its a run so you can eat more junk later at night), and endless episodes of Breaking Bad.

So deep into this that I have no mood, no motivation to do serious work of any kind at all. I know I should be redoing my portfolio, maybe take part in a couple of competitions but there is absolutely no drive to get me going. Kaput.  I am a car that is stuck in a tar pit, slowly sinking into the muck.

Meanwhile, the coming exchange has me excited and yet here I am spending all this money on preparing for it with no income. Massive guilt coming through. Therein lies the vicious cycle. Lollygagging the whole day has its perks, yes, but one can only float about with no reason for existence for so long.

Then when I try to find gainful employment, my own sloth thwarts me at each step. I would be so much happier if I had some way of earning money or keeping myself busy. As things stand, I just submitted a half-done portfolio for a possible internship because well, these things take time to do and I haven't finished it so I didn't have that much of a choice. Sigh.

All that stress over the portfolio and how crappily it out turned out is pouring major amounts of self doubt all over myself. It's pretty bad. And being in this rut means that creatively, I ain't doing too good as well. When leads to me doubting myself as a designer.

Just got my results for studios today, not sure if there is any mistake because I am doubting (There's that word again) I did possibly get that grade for that studio. I dunno. It's weird. Also, seeing a couple friends interning at that place already plus my creative inability to turn out anything respectable for myself opens up a huge can of worms I'm looking at right now.

Namely, am I bad? I used to want to be a writer (Pfft, a writer? In Singapore?) Then a scientist (Bah, mugging) and then a designer. Now I'm questioning and worrying about the third. And by extension, the rest of my life. What will I be when I get out? My family's not rich, and a designer don't make a lot here too. So what exactly am I looking at?

All this pointless living from day to day has gotten to me. I look at people with other activities and shit and meeting and work. Why can't I find these things to do I stead of wasting my life at home? (although I have to admit Breaking Bad is addictive, pun intended) I don't even know where to start. Well, tomorrow I've got an event to attend and maybe the day after I can force myself to continue working over that portfolio.

I really really hope I can get a short-term job, or an internship. Something to occupy myself. As my friend pointed out: you're going on exchange, its like the ultimate holiday. That's right, so I should make myself do some serious work now. Play comes later. What an attitude to treat my holiday huh.

So after my submisison period, I'm officially free. \o/ Got no exams this sem so the benefit of that is that my holiday started like last week. As usual I am spending the first few days clearing stuff off my to-do list, running errands and suchs and generally tying up loosed ends accumulated over the sem. It feels go to clear things out one after the other and to get things done that I didn't have the time for.

Bills paid, stuff bought, receipts to be claimed, lenses sent for repair, so many dribs and drabs for me to tick off. I have started to spend money for exchange already, accumulating a new tripod and spare batteries. I expect I'll be getting new SD cards soon. I hope my lens return ssoon. Sigh. I got a poor copy so I need to spend money to get it fixed cos the warranty card wasn't filled out properly. Needto resolve this issue and get it off my mind.

Meanwhile, I'm back to my holiday diet of movies. Moonrise Kingdom was much better that I expected and I quite liked it. Got slightly interested in Wes Anderson films yesterday though I can't say I liked The Royal Tenenbaums all that much. As an auteur his style is definitely quite interesting I guess. I wish I could find people who appreciate the kinds of film I watch. I get the feeling its quite difficult...

Haven't slept much the past few days. :( Been insanely busy during submission period. So busy that I've just been at the computer all day, with only time for meals and the toilet. No time for frivolous activites like FB or even reading my RSS newsfeeds. I set an alarm to make sure I go home before the last bus! So I can go home sleep and come school again the next day. I've got a headache the whole day but I've been doggedly pushing myself to do work. Even though I slept 10 hours last night, it still hasn't fixed my sleep debt yet and this throbbing low-power headache i've been carrying around all day is the result of that. Sigh. I think I am going to shorten my lifespan by a lot. Trying to finish more work before I go back to sleep and chiong more work tomorrow.

A couple days back I was going to the toilet when I ran into my friend. He was walking barefoot to the toilet and holding his slippers in his hands. I asked him what was going on and he said COFFEE. Then another friend came round the corner and told me he spilt the entire bag on coffee on his feet. The first guy started cursing the second guy and the second guy was lamenting that he hadn't even strted drinking his coffee and such a waste it was. It was hilarious. I started laughing and realised its moments like this we will miss when it comes time to graduate. That's why I wrote it down for memory sake. These are the little stories of school that will eventually be lost to us.

Goodness I feel less hardworking this sem! :( I have been doing work really slowly, alternating with slacking. I get stuff done but at a very relaxed pace. Maybe this is me adjusting to having less than 20MCS (Thank God) for once. But I keep getting the feeling I shouldn't be slacking off. Whenever I have free time I keep running through the list of upcoming classes so I know what other tasks lie ahead of me. Keep scanning and doing. No time to slack. It's a good habit though, I ought to pick it up again. Keep doing work non-stop. That's how you can get by, espcially last sem with a legendary groupmate known throughout the entire course. Do-it-yourself.

More work ahead. With all the constant meetings and stuff I'm finding it harder to find time to go and run. Sigh! Oh yes. Cutting down on Facebook now. Rather pointless but I let it get to be a habit. Tsk. Twitter also.

I have things to say but I'm afraid I'll affect the positive energy of things. Sounds superstitious? Well, I don't know but I'm wary of this. Compared to people whose relatives and own family win 4D like once a month, my family hardly has such an effect despite all the lucky draws and the 4D tickets my dad regularly buys. I hope the flow of things is not upset, please carry on! The last time I won something was a $5 NTUC voucher in the army LOL.

That time, I was thinking gah, given our rate of success, I'd be better off gorging myself on the army's dollar and so I went to town on the crabs and seafood....only to hear my name with a greasy mouth and oily fingers. Who, me? Me? Me! What!? So this week mouse was equally, if not much more stunning. Also...the new clothes I bought from ASOS came today!!! I half expected them to come on the 12th, 13th latest (2 weeks as usual). I was idly hoping to wear new clothes to school on my birthday but looking at the date and time of past orders, resigned myself to getting them afterwards. Well, um, thanks I guess?

1 x apple
1 x stick of fishballs
1 x small mango that was not sweet at all T_T
1 x can of tuna with
3 x slices of bread.

YAYYYYYYYYYYY. Plus I ran in the morning. Not far though, I was making sure I wouldn't be late for school in the afternoon. Ok I really ought to do work now. After eating the tuna at 10pm I feel hungry. Wut. Tomorrow probably up for some running then an apple before I head to school for class.

1 x apple
1 x sliced fish soup
1 x chicken pie
1 x beef kway teow

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Granted I had a long day, leaving the house at 845, reaching school to have an apple (still cold! :D) that I brought. Then lunch, then I got peckish in the afternoon. Work dragged on till damn late...like 7 plus. So I had dinner outside. Unhealthy place. Tomorrow I shall go run! Have an apple afterwards. Maybe tuna! Yum.

I have heard skipping breakfast is bad. But it I have just one apple in the morning is that considered breakfast?  I haven't been eating that much breakfast lately.

What i ate today:
1 x apple
1 x 50 cent curry puff
1 x chicken chop with rice
1 x kit kat
1 x snall chocolate biscuits

Being able to exercise more during the holidays has made me quite satisfied but I fear that when school starts there will be less frequency to do so. So I have to take more measures to keep healthy and also to lose weight. BAM. Diet: Don't eat stuff. Easiest diet to follow or what? Hahaha.

Somehow it's not as bad as I feared...I suspect because I always have afternoon classes, waking up late means I don't feel hungry at lunch which means I can don't go for it! Or eat something light...like a curry puff. Tomorrow though, I will be waking up earlier than normal for a meeting. More energy spent = my first lunch in days? :O I hope not.

The other day I wanted to buy new pants but that didn't have my size. To have nice stuff you must be damn skinny. Sigh...so maybe if I can starve everything off I might be able to go back and get the smaller size. Ahaha. My new hero is Christian Bale in The Machinist. I should try that. A tuna and an  apple a day!!!

Aaaah. See we have to bid for these project that we want to work on this semester using a fixed number of points. I tried my best but gambled wrongly so I got one I wanted and one that was quite frankly my last choice. I was traumatised. Today is all about working through the shock, horror, trauma, and opening the bottle of whisky I keep at my table for nights like this. Tomorrow...I'll have to figure out how to get through this. I have to convince myself to do this project, because if I'm not convinced, how do I do so for my audience? Sigh. There's no way I can change my fate now which quite frankly sucks. I'm still trying to accept it. Bloody pissed.

I feel compelled to type out some musings here. Holidays are coming to an end. It's been fun but it's certainly lasted long enough. I've had 1 internship, 1 part-time job, earned a small amount of cash to tide me over the holidays, watched countless movies and a few tv shows, gone out, taken photos, uploaded those photos, had good food, and enjoyed myself and school is starting soon.

I have been meaning to change my blogskin for a while to something cleaner, but find it hard to move on for sentimental reasons. I crafted this old one 70% from scratch, spending hours on it and it dates all the way back to JC! I have also been meaning to clean, as in really clean my room and start throwing away stuff more strictly but I haven't found a day in which I am completely free and have the amount of time needed to sort through thing. Sentimentality can only go so far. It should be time for the periodic throwing-out of the old.

Went Haji lane today to look at clothes. didn't find anything I wanted. Or if there was, there wasn't my size. Sigh. I have sorta been wanting to get new pants and/or berms. Need to start a habit of running. I hope my daily afternoon classes means I can start something of a running habit. Once broken it's hard to resume. I worry about what studio I will get. I worry about what group mates I will get. I worry about work in the sem. I have a 4 day week but I guess that sorta can't be helped. :(

After Haji lane went to my aunt's place for a family gathering. So tired. :( I think I'm gonna go watch Firefly. And Sherlock eventually.

Oh look. It's a new beginning.

WOW. I am. Really tired.Since blogging has fallen out of fashion, this is like just a place for me to go and let off steam. And man, am I tired. ICT was fricking tiring with a shitload of intense activities. More than was ever cramming into a week during my old NS days dammit. Sigh. Booked out on Friday. Then I went RT on Sunday. After that work today. My legs and back were DAMN SORE. Squatting, leaning, bending, and lifting at work today. Sad thing is I may not be able to stick around for a week even, because they don't need that much manpower.


Shall see how it goes. I quite need the money though. Interning left me with barely enough money to meet my basic living expenses. I could hardly survive on $400 a month, because I scrimp and save on the weekdays to go out with friends on the weekends. On the bright side, I can rest up more while jobless LOL. Tomorrow is probably going to be another tiring day I expect. After work I'm going for RT at Kranji Camp omg. I wonder where I can find the energy within me. At any rate I gotta get it done and get it done ASAP so I can finish my RT. Madness.

First ICT. Can't wait for this week to be over! Rar. My hair is black again. So not used to it. The heat. The uniform. Awful. It's not as strict as it was back in the day, but the tedium, the hellish heat (especially at this time of year), the waiting is so unbearably mind-torturing. I hope we get to do more stuff in PT kit, to combat the insufferable weather these days. Do more stuff that helps us take the mind off time, and helps the day pass faster. 3.5 days to go.

Full of all the old habits, the old routines just like it was. The camp has changed to some brand new, snazzy, unrecognisable place. The entrance and the other section, that is. Our portion of camp is still the same as it was two years ago, except the bus stop is an even further walk out. The cramped, small bunks, dusty shredded, harbouring (God-knows-what) mattress, and goodness, NO RUNNING WATER on the 4th floor. Yada yada, I'm a soldier, this is the army and such but no running water? This was supposed to be 3G, not 3rd world. More queues after physical training = more delays and such. Tsk. Thre faster we do thinfg that faster the program ends.

Talk to me on Whatsapp, I need some modicum of the external world to help time slip by till each evening.

Dulce et Decorum Est...

SIGHHHHH. THIS SUCKSSSS. Everyone is going overseassssss but I cannot. All I see on Facebook is people in the US, people in Spain, people in Paris. BUT I CANNOT GO. CANNOT. I AM STUCK HERE IN SHITTY SINGAPORE AND THIS SUCKSSSSSSSS. WHY LIKE THAT.WHY I NO MONEY. GOT MONEY ALSO WHY THIS KIND OF DATE. DAMN SIAN YOU KNOW OR NOT? Sit here and watch people go overseas and then I cannot go. It sucks so bad it almost makes me mad. I am damn freaking sian now. Cannot do this cannot do that. WHY WHY WHY. CANNOT GO. CANNOT ENJOY. CANNOT PLAY. CANNOT RELAX. CANNOT EXPERIENCE LIFE. YES I SUPPOSE I AM F**KING JEALOUS NOW.

I almost don't feel like meeting anyone when I go for exchange. I will go there and explore and live and play TO THE FULLEST. ALL BY MYSELF. Because if I can't join in the fun why should anyone join in mine? Huh? Huh? This sounds stupid but freak I am freaking unhappy now and there's not a single damn thing I can do about it but sit here and mope. DAMMIT. This sucks. Life sucks. Screw everything. Seriously.

TOTALLY FREAKING NEED A BREAK.

BUT I CANNOT GET ONE.

HOW. TELL ME HOW.

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHFUCK.

"...when it comes to the past we all stack the deck."
-Duma Key, Stephen King

When you get what you want but not what you need.