It's not you, it's me.

Maybe it's time to come clean. The feelings that I have had...have changed. We just don't feel like the friends we are (perhaps 'were' is the more appropriate term?) anymore. But is that such a big surprise? Not so, in an age where according to some, "MSN and Facebook define friendship." Something along those lines.

Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.

That incident was the first major rift that we had. And once the the cracks appear, sometimes you can't stop them from spreading. You just don't know when. No matter how you glue them over, no matter how you try to whitewash it, you can't hide from the fact that something somewhere, deep beneath, was fractured and was never fixed.

I'm being dreadfully honest here.

Because I have nothing to hide, no reason to keep up pretences anymore. Things are not 100% OK and for months we've gone on pretending that they are. Don't bother asking what, it's way too late to fix it. Right after the first incident, months have gone by without any improvement so I guess we all just gave up on trying. Of course we can limp on; there is no question of that.

Well here we are again,
It’s always such a pleasure,

Except. Events in the past few months have pushed things further to the edge. Maybe we have all grown blind to each other. To fight and quarrel over such stuff and to risk our friendship over such things is such a waste. And yet we do it. Yes, I have played a part. Played a part in these pointless roundabout cycles where we argue, things escalate, "Fuck"s are thrown about in the conversation (one particularly memorable) and then a round of apologies after.

A few days later, we do it all again. Now and then, we do it again and it comes to the point that nothing can be resolved. We all need to take a step back. I know a couple of us have issues. Those are the things we need to be talking to each other about. Not...stuff like the above. And in the end I am guilty as well. Throughout our conversation, there have been things running through my mind. Many, many, things that ought not be said. Though I kept my fingers in check lest irreparable damage be done, in the end the sarcasm in my statements is something that I left in. And maybe that is something that I really ought to have looked more at, because it may have had more of an effect than I intended it to.

Goodbye, my only friend,
Oh, did you think I meant you?
That would be funny if it weren’t so sad,
Well you have been replaced,
I don’t need anyone now,
When I delete you maybe I’ll stop feeling so bad.

And yes, that is entirely my fault because sarcasm or not, I should have toned it down. We are (were?) friends after all. And of course, revelation (shock! horror!) that during our last outing, well, things just didn't feel like the way they used to. Did I seem more dead? I don't know. It sure felt like I did. It just doesn't feel the same anymore. First of all, I highly doubt it was because of the above incidents. At least to me it isn't. I just simply don't feel the same way.

Oh boy this is going to make future outings(if any) awkward.

That's why I say it's not you, it's me. By no means is this an unfriend notice(God forbid; it's not even 3am yet(yet another reminder of past events)) but merely a...notice. Of course I would kindly appreciate if I would still be invited to future outings (if any) since I don't want to let the past years go to waste. Maybe circumstances will change.

Now these points of data make a beautiful line.

Recently I went out with a group of uni friends, and my secondary school friends. Compared to our last recent outings, nope, no meeting-long-time-friends feeling. So I figured, if I'm not lying to myself, maybe I shouldn't be lying to you all. And today's incident just started this post I guess. Like I said earlier, I know some of us have issues. This isn't to antagonise you at this moment or to make you feel worse. You don't have to do anything about this. It's purely my problem. This is to clear things out and lay it all on the table so we all know what's going on. I don't feel any better by doing this.

"Oh, how we laughed and laughed,

Except I wasn’t laughing,"

-Want You Gone, GLaDOS, Portal 2