Checking in again, just to take stock mentally I guess. It has been what? 7, going on 8 months. Finished my internship, secured my job at the Company with no small amount of difficulty (and I am incredibly thankful for the outcome), spent most of December and January lazing around and doing freelance on the side. The nature of work means that freelancing still nets me a decent amount of cash, which I decided to use to take two weeks of February to go solo travelling.

I would have gone for a month during January, but due to the state of possible employment then, it was decided that I ought to remain in-country back then. 2 weeks in February is then, a second prize of sorts.

Internally I crave the carefree days of Europe, longing for the sense of free sense and adventure. Somehow inside I fear my return home has repressed my sense of risk-taking and I worry too much about things. This trip then, was a way for me to ease back into adventure mode. This solo travelling...is as much for me as for everybody else. I say it because as much as it is for me to tell myself I am still there, in a way it is for me to show others how I want to live my life. To show I exist. To exert some sense of control, or to show some sense of control over this life of mine.

As I start work this month, I find myself trying to reestablish the sense of working life I had 2 months ago. It all feels so alien to me now. Officially in a permanent position, I need to take control and manage different aspects of my life as my course is set. As for some aspects, I don't know how to fix them. Maybe they are broken beyond repair.

8 months later I'm back again. Much has happened. This is actually quite the understatement. Since December I have:

-Completed my thesis
-Graduated
-Found a job
-Gotten interested in astrophotography.

Whoa what just happened huh? Seems like I have advanced into the next stage of life. Looking at some of the older posts, makes me realise I have left behind the life of contstantly staying in school till 11pm, rushing my work and coming back on weekends. This is both good, and bad I guess. School offers a lot of experiences either way.

Problem now with me is that I feel empty. I don't know. Am I broken? Sometimes I feel like I am. The issue with school is that you always head back on the weekends to do work and time flies. Not just that, you get to socialize. Now that I'm working, the weekends are just so...empty.

I go to work, get home, relax, sleep, rinse, repeat. Then on the weekends I struggle to find stuff to do now that I have a proper work life balance. I love my work, I enjoy the Company, and I can foresee myself staying there (if they'd let me!) so in a sense, this is it. This is life. Doing fine on the family side. Staying on the work side. My future is pretty much clear. And yet there's always something missing.

I need something to fill my weekends with. I find sometimes I'm perfectly comfortable diving into a torrent (ha-ha) of movies, tv series, books, and games. Then when I surface for air, I realise I never really keep in contact with people outside of this. And I can't seem to sustain human relationships for long. Not with new people I meet. Classmates are a different story. What's wrong with me? I can make friends but I can't seem to keep them around for long.

I feel so old at times. Or out of sorts at life here, in the wrong company? Maybe I would be better off back in Europe. I crave some partying, some drinking, and some good music. I don't have the right company for it here. Can't get what I want. I miss the atmosphere; moderately crowded, lively, music blasting and being up on alcohol talking and laughing.

I watched this movie last night. It was really good. It was meaningful to me because it was quite a philosophical film and life and what you do with it. It encourages you to live life to the fullest and to take risks. Furthermore, it was set in Lisbon, which I traveled to by myself. It brought back all sorts of memories and emotion that were relevant especially to my experiences of travelling alone.

The themes of the film really resonated with what I did and I have no regrets of really just GOING out there and travelling to wherever I wanted. This film spoke to well to me and yet...I have no one to share it with. Because I visited alone, I can't think of anyone that would appreciate the film like I do. There would be no flood of nostalgia at the colourful houses, the shout of joy as I saw the same staircase I once climbed on-screen. I guess I really miss Europe.

The film is relatively slow-paced, so I can hardly think of anyone from my generation that would have the patience to sit through it. I feel at times it's very hard to find people here that share the same tastes I do. Imagine my joy on exchange when I finally met someone who knew who Parov Stelar was? My housemate no less. It's hard not to feel quite alone at times like this.

The past semester has been quite hellish. Work non-stop. To quote Coldplay, nobody said it would be easy. But nobody said it would be this insane as well! The resulting backlash from the constant work and pressure on myself is that mentally I don't want to do work anymore. Every day I sleep at 3am, wake at 1pm, and decide whether to read an ebook, watch a movie, or play computer games. Time's a-wasting and life's a-wasting. How contrary to Night Train.

I used to be fairly efficient. I had a nice little productivity list of things to do on Evernote and every day I would fill it up and strike things off. Now rebelling against work I've stopped doing it. Before I went to sleep things kept popping up in my head and I realised how many errands and tasks that I have to do but I've just shoved in a corner and reflexively refused to think about. Time to pay my credit card bills. Tidy up my old laptop. Deal with my collection of songs. And more. I need to work on my thesis.

WHERE GOT TIME?

I used to think that you can create your own time. That it's time management. But today I realized ITS A LIE. You cannot create time. There's only 24 hours in a day and sometimes life gives you SO MUCH SHIT YOU GOT NO TIME AT ALL. See doctor? WHERE GOT TIME? Got enough time to see doctor after you DIE okay? For now see what see? See doctor also need to queue.

Pay credit card bills also difficult. Renovate school no AXS machine. Renovate Plaza no AXS machine. All the machines on my way to places ALL GONE FUCKING CHEEBYE. Now I have specifically go out to Compass Pt to find the only other machine I know just to pay my bills. FUCKING WASTE TIME. WHERE GOT TIME. Then I have to go back to take LRT to go do my RT. Then how? Tuesday studio need to do. Still need to find time to work on Thursday studio.

BUT WAIT. You also need to prepare your presentation for your thesis in week 6. Then draw conclusion from the survey results. ONE MORE THING...you need to coordinate your meeting with the film module group and shoot a movie! WHERE GOT TIME? Time come from sleep lah. Got enough time to sleep after you die.

Wax and Wire - Loch Lomond [HQ]

"Well I'd wade ten thousand klicks for  just one more chance.
Just one more chance, to see your face again."

So much has happened in the past 6 month, so many memories I won't ever forget. The dream is over but it lives on in my mind, forever immortalised in those countless glorious frozen moments. Every time I listen to this song it makes me unbearably sad. I remember it was playing our last night together. I remember it in a series of snapshots: the frosted glass doors half open, a ray splayed over the wooden floor. You were sitting on the windowsill using your computer. The electric, almost-too saturated blue of the neon sign of the bar below on the house opposite.

It was morning. The sun was shining through the windows. I came down to find you were almost ready.

"I'm not good at goodbyes,"

A hug; and you were gone from my life. I was left with the key to your apartment. And that was it. The past 6 months and all my experiences are now past tense. I miss those days. I can never sleep as well I did in Europe, I don't know why. Back home I am back to tossing around an hour or more, waiting for sleep to claim me. I never had such problems there. Thesis in my final year is such stress, it weighs down almost physically; a constant humming in the background. Life will never be the same.

In some way this is a sorrowful farewell to my time there. A very painful one.

Yes. I feel so relaxed for once. I don't have to contend with other people or anything. Sometimes you just want to do stuff alone, you know? I just went to the supermarket and spent a leisurely hour plus browsing the aisles, exploring the different kinds of food, and slowly picking out my choice. With others I can't do that! I feel pressured to not take too long cos they are buying things also. I can't take time to ruminate over the decision to try buying beef salad (this yummy looking gooey paste) at 2.29 for 750g or the super budget 1.69 for 1kg. I feel like I can slowly make a decision at my own pace rather than be reminded at the back of my head that other are also making purchases.

Sometimes I feel so pressured. I sometimes wish I came here alone. Sure I probably would have gotten turned around quite a bit, but to do things alone now feels so refreshing and easy. Always being in the same group is starting to make me feel suffocated and restricted. Maybe it's being with the same people everyday, especially now that we've been around each other for 3 years. Then we hang out in school even though we have different projects. And then you make noise about being alone.

But....being alone is also a nice time to have personal time. Which I feel I lack these days. Furthermore, we all have different projects and different workloads, we're busy and have different schedules. It's not always that we can make time for you. And because of this we feel pressured into thinking its our fault you are alone. Its not that we didn't invite you, you were busy at that moment and so were the rest! All this is just making me feel guilty and I don't think I deserve it. Our workloads and schedules are different!

Sometimes I want to do what I like. Like hang out at a party more, listen and meet different people. But then it's not your thing so you keep pressuring me into leaving. I don't really want to just yet (free food and free beer!) but then I feel like am obligated to because I am your friend. And that obligation is making me waver between doing what I want to and to follow you. And if I don't, I will get the guilt trip about being alone again. This is why I feel so pressured so much to choose friendship over my own preference.

I never thought shopping alone could be so therapeutic, but I guess it really is. I need time alone. But I also kept quiet about it. I think if you guys knew you would make noise about me doing this/bojio/anti-social. But is it so wrong to want to just do stuff by myself for a while?

Highlights of the day:
Super commercialised Trappist beer (I know, but whatever) at SGD$1.40 a bottle. YES. SUCK ON THAT SG.
Loaf of bread at SGD $1.12
Roomtoetje at EU 0.17 or SGD$0.28. 200ml of chocolatey dessert YEAH.

Spent SGD$30:
Toilet paper
6pack Trappist beer
500g onions
75g salad
200g peanut butter
loaf of bread
De Ruijer (Super Dutch bread topping)
2 x roomtoetje
1kg beef salad
250g butter
2 x pork chop

Bucket list done:
Throw a house party
Visit Italy
Eat cannoli in Palermo
Cycle in snow