"When I was just a chao recruit,
I asked my sergeant, what will I be?
Will I be PC? Will I be 3SG?
Here's what he said to me.

Balls to you, recruit,
This is not your father's army,
Your future's not yours to see,
Sign extra for me.
...
Balls to you, CPL,
This is not your father's army,
Not happy don't ORD,
Wait inside DB."

-From http://singaporearmystories.blogspot
.com

Title of the original song is Que Sera Sera.

Hey, I'm back. Spent the first half of my day at home. Don't talk about my bag. No luck. Shut. Up. Moving on...basically floated about online reading stories on NS. From what I've seen, it's actually quite ok to go into more details about NS, and servicemen are encouraged to talk about their experiences, so I expect you might see more interesting and funny OR scary stuff here, which might make reading my sporadic posts more interesting and less like all the other kia see If-I-told-you-I'd-have-to-kill-you-give-nothing-away blogs. Something to look forward to?

Anyway, left in the late afternoon to go to Vivo with Shawn. Bought some stuff. Now I can book in in civilian clothing. =] Met up w/ YM, watched Wanted, which was some cool shit. After doing all the tough stuff, FINALLY I get someone to do the action for me while I sit and watch. Was very nice. Just sit back, don't think, enjoy. Ben and tak were at Sentosa, and XW coming to vivo to watch Wanted also, but we didn't get a chance to meet up as my movie was too early. Hopefully next weekend ba.

I also had my first encounter of the "odd" kind, but in sispec though. That's a story for another day cause I'm tired and need my sleep. Must be the fatigue from training. H may be for heaven, but H is also for Holy-F--KIN' -hell, I am whacked! -Yawn- And because I'm lazy to tag, BenQ do you still blog? Can msg me your url again? Cheers.

"Open mouth. Insert SAR21. Pull trigger."
-yours truly

A platoon mate shot himself in the foot (pun intended!),i.e. contradicted himself when debating with our Platoon Commander during a discussion on whether NS is relevant. The above was my quietly bemused response.

Hey I'm back. Sispec is...going to be interesting. My company is not bad, and there is more freedom, but the physical training is quite a bit more than what I am used to. Which is good in a way, but I really am pushing my limits a lot more and for longer periods of time here compared to before. In the long run its good and I will benefit, but short term means I'm pretty tired after all of it.

Still I'm surviving, and life is ok, I guess. I hope to live through next week. Anyway the com room is now out of bounds for some reason or other, so you probably won't see me much anymore. Maybe near end of course. Or you can check on Wed, in addition to reading my weekend updates, just in case.


TOday was rather shitty though. 3 words. Worst. Bookout. EVER. Clean bunk from 4+, paused for dinner, back cleaning till 9 plus. Still cannot meet our PC's high standards. Still can't book out. After a whole lot of ding-dong and near flare-ups and high tension bullshit you get from 60 testosterone-fuelled, tired, and unhappy guys, we settled on booking out now, today, and booking in earlier on Sun to do area cleaning. I mainly kept quiet because I was pretty darn pissed off already so I just sat and watched them thrash it out and tones become harsh. The section commanders managed to keep it under control though.

After that, shared a cab home with a distant friend and a platoon mate. Got off the cab last to find the stupid platoon mate had taken my bag. WTF. How dumb can you get? He's first to get off, the onus is on him to ensure he gets the right bag. Plus, my bag is bigger and heavier. His is so much emptier and lighter. Once I opened the trunk I knew I was screwed. Now my friend and I both have no way of contacting the dumb fuck, so I have to try and call my PC for help tomorrow with the stupid idiot. Stupid, stupid, stupid dumb FUCK. 19 yrs old JC student, training to lead 6 men and you don't even check or REALISE the bag u are carrying home is different. It's MUCH heavier and FULL of stuff.

Enjoying the computer here. I was surprised to discover 3 internet accessible coms in the annex room. That's nice. Though I can't really find that much do to online...it makes for a way to pass the time. I should enjoy this now. I hope it lasts.

Spent today at home too. Tomorrow I go to SISPEC. What a sad block leave. I had expected to spend it better. Hope I can get into a nice company. I've stopped PnP for now. A little too heavy for me to digest when I'm in this mood. Settled for a digital version of one of Stephen King's novels. Easier on the brain I guess. It's not too bad. Farewell for the next 5 days mhy friends, and wish me luck in Sispec!

Went out with some of my section mates today. Went around PS, played pool, slacked at Cathay Starbucks, burnt time until the twins came till I watched Get Smart. Had supper at HK cafe and went home.

So...I got into SISPEC after getting my posting. Didn't much feel like reading today. Wasted my time on the computer and then, watched my sis play Gunbound. Watched TV during dinner. Then, dilemma. At 9pm I discovered The Hills Have Eyes 2 on Star Movies, Snakes On A Plane on HBO, and NArnia on Disney. Why must all the good movies start at the same time? =[ I went with Hills in the end, because Narnia started at 730, and Snakes, I think I can catch it another time.

Well. So here I am with another boring transcript of my pretty much unproductive slothful days at home. I wonder if anyone's up for cycling this weekend...or something. Yeah. Finished Hover Car Racer by Matthew Reilly, which was fantastic. Very nice. Now reading a hardcover of selected works by Jane Austen. Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility. Into chapter 6 of PnP now, and it is quite a interesting read. So instead of TV, I spent most of today reading.

June 18, 2008. One week after POP, and the 7th day of my block leave. Apart from the first few days of going out, this week has generally been, well, boring. My days consist of sitting front of the TV, eating in front of the TV, and reading in front of the TV. Occasionally I leave the TV to visit the toilet. This is testament to the power of cable television, and more than 30 television channels. I have spent 9 hours seated in front of a 42-inch box of heated plasma particles today. Naturally it could have been more, but in light of the fact that I now sleep at hours ranging from 2-5am, and wake in between the hours of 11-12pm, I have practically missed breakfast and half of the day.

At night, I go online to do a few aimless things, talk to the few people I usually talk to (The 200+ or so contacts are for memories' sake, haha.), blog, listen to music, occasionally knock out terrorists on my Xbox or dump them into the sea when I feel like it. Then I go to bed.

Of late, I have noticed something amusing. Galvyn has enlisted, and this is what his nick says about it: "my NS consists of reading the Straits Times,surfing the web and hanging out at the NUS canteen" All of that is exactly pretty much what he also did at work before. Haha. He might as well be working back at CrimsonLogic. Damn, I miss that place. I just realised that a few days back, thinking about my days there. I'm not particularly fond of the commute, but I do miss the experience.

Life, boring as usual. To think that I had looked forward to block leave when I'd be able to go out with my friends more, but...stuff had to happen and now this is the result. Went out bowling (again) with Shawn at Tamp SAFRA. First few games were horrible, maybe because I had things on my mind. Overall was quite a lousy performance. Redeemed my SAFRA membership gift and went home for dinner.

How long more?

How can I reach out to you?

What have I done?

I don't know.
I really don't.

It seems that there isn't that much to do online after all. I thought the holidays have begun. I'm kinda grateful I bought that new Xbox game. And I'm grateful for my books. Spent the whole day at home today. Whatta way to waste a day. Sigh.

"The sad truth is that man's real life consists of a complex of inexorable opposites - day and night, birth and death, happiness and misery, good and evil. We are not sure that one will prevail against the other, that good will overcome evil, or joy defeat pain. Life is a battleground. It always has been, and always will be; and if it were not so, existence would come to an end."

-Carl Jung

Went out to Hg swimming complex w/ Shawn. Even after NS, my swimming is at best, (as we say in the army,) half-f---ed. So basically after a few hours i managed to survive ok, and I learnt much more than I did then in camp. No offence to my PTI, but one on one just works better. Had a solitary dinner at Mos Burger (Shawn was dining with his family for Father's Day), and then went to his house for a while. Then went to PS to watch Hulk with him and YM, and YM's bro and sis. Was not bad. And that was my day.

Reading a book I got at the library sale. Pretty good thriller. Psychopath by Keith Ablow. About a brilliant serial killer who also is a brilliant psychiatrist. The very interesting thought processes as he gets closer to his victims, and then (or not) kills them, depending on how much they open up their problems to him.

A lot of psychology based stuff inside, which is rather intruiging. I was very interested in it at one moment, and wanted to be a psychiatrist, but somehow that dream...faded, and was replaced by the writer thing. But face it, no Singaporean writer is going to make it big that easily. So what if people say I'm good at it? In this greedy, capitalist, self-serving world, a talent (although I am grateful for it) that doesn't make money is a novelty at best.

Back to the book though. I'm halfway through it, and the interesting thing is that the killer has invited the protagonist to cure him and exorcise his demons through an open exchange of letters over the papers, which definitely promises more good reading. And before I forget, the book also had some pretty nice lines.

"...he had plenty of complaints, not the least of which would be with mortality itself, the horrific fact that our lives and those of the people we love are impermanent and exquisitely fragile, that any of us can cease to exist without warning, that loving anyone, anywhere, at any time, leaves you infinitely vulnerable at every single moment."

-Psychopath, Keith Ablow

"Those who harboured unthinkable thoughts knew in their hearts they had found a kindred spirit, one who understood the special torture it is to live fractured into pieces, some of them so sharp that to touch them wuold be to bleed forever.

-Psychopath, Keith Ablow

I just realised my last post was my 750th post. Yay. Anyway, watched the DVD of Chocolate at YM's house till close to 7 before sleeping all the way to 1230. Went home to bathe and went to Suntec for the PC show. Got quite a few things. 250GB external HDD for $119. TrendMicro Internet Security for $49. Wireless-G network adapter for $35. Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory for Xbox for $29.90. Crumpler-influenced laptop bag for $35 plus free $5 shoulder pad because it was the last one. Tempted by the Crumpler look-alikes, but they don't have laptop capability. And one big ticket item which I'd rather not list. =P

Some advocate eating ice cream as a form of therapy. I just finished a pint of Ben and Jerry's but I don't feel any happier.

At all.

:(

Nothing much today. Woke at 1230, went out with Shawn and Siwei to Orchard to go shop. Bought a pair of black jeans. Tried on a pair of $599 jeans. $599 jeans. OMG. But they were SO nice. I wanted them so much. =[ But the price. I can almost imagine going out with a pair of $599 jeans. Wow. Lol. So nice. =[

After that, went home for dinner and then off to YM's house with Shawn and Siwei. Had supper outside, now watching soccer. Heard this nice song on the radio. Been meaning to get it for a while now. It's like emo and random but nice.

mmm...honey+vodka is rather...nice. Would be interesting to drink oneself to oblivion.


Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin

I have, I have you
breathing down my neck, breathing down my neck
I don't, don't know
what you could possibly expect under this condition so
I'll wait, I'll wait for the
ambulance to come, ambulance to come
Pick us up off the floor
what did you possibly expect under this condition
So slow down,
this nights a perfect shade of

Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning
'til there's nothing but dark blue
Just dark blue-huee

And this flood, this flood is slowly rising up,
swallowing the ground beneath, my feet.
Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so
I'll swim, I'll swim as the water rises up sun is sinking down and now
All I can see are the planets in a row suggesting it's best that I
Slow down this nights a perfect shade of

Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down

Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning dark blue

We were boxing,
we were boxing the stars
We were boxing (we were boxing)
you were swinging for Mars
And then the water reached the west coast
And took the power lines, the power lines
And it was me and you (lights over my) and the whole town underwater
There was nothing we could do
And it was dark blue

Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down

Dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning now there's nothing but dark blue

If you've ever been alone you'll know dark blue
If you've ever been alone you'll know, you'll know

And there sails away another day of my freedom. Oh well, at least I got my block leave back again. BMT...is over. What seemed to me once was this unimaginably large, long and painful ordeal is now over and hence, begins a new paragraph in this chapter of my life. BMT was pretty ok for me I guess. Quite an experience that changed me. Managed to do quite ok for IPPT, surprised myself as to how much better I could run.

I became more mellow to a certain extent. Willing to accept things as they came. Essential to adopt that mindset to adapt to life inside, and so I did. Of course, the seeming failure to get into a uni shattered that calmness quite a bit, which I think was due to the magnitude of that issue. But on the whole I think its easier to accept, and do things now.

---
"Creep"
-Track 01, Pablo Honey, Radiohead
---

In a way, you lose your shame, your dignity, your self-respect. When you can go no lower, you know that nothing pretty much can shake you. "You are stupid," said my platoon sergeant. "Yes, I am stupid." said I, in front of my whole company. Without shame, without fear, without any faltering. The moment comes and it goes, like a leaf in the wind. You do what you have to to get by.

You may lose your shame for that one moment, but you try to sweep up the pieces, and you find that it's much easier than you think. It's not that hard after all to lose all inhibitions, and to lower and then try to raise yourself back. The army pushes your limits. My sergeant threw my bayonet into a grass patch at night. I ran like hell to find it, but one of my platoon mates found it first and and passed it to me. I took it and ran back. He threw it away again. I ran again. This time I found it myself and passed it back to him. He was satisfied. I ran. I ran like a dog. A dog to fetch a stick for its master.

You learn to forget about dignity and self-respect. There is no dignity or self-respect. Dignity and self-respect comes after the moment is over. For now all you need to do is please your master. And that includes running like a dog. I would have barked like one had he asked me to. That is how low you can prostrate yourself for others. Of course, stuff like that is easier to do if you learn to accept things early on. You need to be more receptive.

Of course, I learned to chiong sua, or carry on without regard for mind or body. I trained for my swing trainer in the SOC till I ripped my palm to shreds. I bled for that. My little patches of loose skin grew larger to form blisters with each try I made until even the skin underneath tore, and with each try I made, the blood seeped out until all I had were big fat purple blood blisters and on the final try, I actually completed the whole thing.

I adjusted my rifle sling for quite a while before the pain hit me. Hard. My hands were shaking and I raised my left hand to see the torn skin, the smears of blood and pus, the angry red raw skin beneath. Washing my wounds with badly shaking hands, I got a lousy plaster from the medic. Haha. I didn't expect it at all. The pain was quite a shock when it hit. But it was good pain. I completed the trainer at this cost. A sacrifice to the swing trainer god perhaps, because now I can complete it. It heightened the pain-blocking barriers in me, because I totally felt nothing. You can push it all behind a solid wall. You can take more now, and you know it.

I swear more now too, of course. Well, it's pretty hard to stop, considering I did swear to begin with, but now it's gotten worse. Remember when I blogged once about the hardest thing in NS is about being yourself? Well, I'm sorry. I lost that battle with myself. I've become different in certain ways, one of which is the above. I don't really like it myself, but somehow it's become a part of me. All I can do is hope, or try to make it go away. Because right now I can't really control it.

---
"This Is How I Disappear"
-Track 06, The Black Parade, My Chemical Romance
---

And about what you said about me changing, I seriously didn't know. I didn't see it in myself. I promised you I wouldn't become like that, and I still remember it. I don't forget promises. I kept myself in check. There were times when I did, I really wanted to lash out at anything, anyone around, even my friends.

But I remembered what I said and tried to restrain myself. Life inside was not fantastic, but I knew it wasn't an excuse to let loose, or break my promise. I don't know what you saw or felt, but I've been trying to hold back. That's why I don't know what's wrong. You don't have any obligations to reply to this. I respect your decision to let things just cool off for now. All I want, if it's ok with you, is just to know what happened. And not even right now, just...when you're ready.

---
"Welcome To The Black Parade"
-Track 05, The Black Parade, My Chemical Romance
---

I thought of this quote the other day. Basically, it pretty seems like it summarises how screwed up I became because of the uni thing.

"The discordant chords in the symphony of life are the tunes we play when we are lost."

- -=[K]=-

Don't we all do that sometimes? Play the discordant chords loud and long for all the world to release our pent up anger, rage, and emotions? No wonder our world is in chaos.

---

Well, today was fairly ok. Played bowling with Shawn as Pasir Ris. Had some pretty good games. Will go out to buy stuff tomorrow, and then off to YM's house to stay over for soccer. Hopefully I'll visit the PC show too.

I'm back and POP is over! Hooray. But, I'm tried, so more about bmt tomorrow I guess. Anyway, expect to see me online more often for now.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I GOT INTO NUS INDUSTRIAL DESIGN!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I feel fucking awesome. I know that for all the shit I went through and how fucked up I felt, deep inside there was something that refused to give up hope, no matter how faint or tiny it seemed. No matter how bleak life seemed, or how screwed up it appeared to be, or how totally depressed I was, or how I exhibited myself, there was that one little part that refused, simply refused, to let go of that little bead of hope. And now it has been justified. It was there all the while, you know. I just never lent it a voice.

Hi I'm back again. Just 4 more days to POP. 9 weeks seems really fast right now. It only seems so after you've been through it. I can't believe 2 months has just flown away just like that. Seems only yesterday I enlisted. I did enjoy myself in BMT though and I'll remember it for years to come. 9 weeks seemed like a horrible eternity before but now as it is ending, I do feel sorry for losing my section mates. More about BMT after my POP, perhaps.

"The only EASY day was YESTERDAY."

-3SG KANG RONG

I appealed to NUS too. Just taking all the whacks at it I can I guess. Haha. Still coming to terms with certain things in my life, but it's getting better. I feel I'm growing distant from some people, due to reasons which I know not. Still, I'll try my best to sustain the friendship.

If the inevitable comes, well, I don't know. Can it really that be easy? Did all the close bonds come to this? What happened? I'll get over it. I know I will. I've lost close friends in the past. It's not easy. But I'll survive. I always have. But I really don't want it to happen.

Maybe I predicted it. Remember my worries over it before I enlisted? What if it really is happening? Does it really come down to this now? Tell me why this is going on. Didn't we use to be close friends? Okay, maybe I'm paranoid. Then tell me. The army does strange things to people. Don't keep me hanging. Because right now it just doesn't feel the same.

Pitter patter pitter patter...

The sound of the rain was hypnotic and soothing. You almost wanted to sleep. In his basha, the soldier lay there awake on his back, rifle slung around him. He stared at the roof in semi-darkness, listening to the raindrops. Spray from the tent opening flicked onto his face. Cool and wet, the refreshing dew of the morning brought with it the sweet smell of rain.

He reached out his hand to touch the roof, lightly resting it against the taut fabric, feeling the gentle impact of hundreds of raindrops. A bolt of lightning stabbed the sky, throwing the whole campsite into a brightly ethereal world for a moment before plunging it into darkness. The soldier closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

I wrote this during field camp. It isn't very good, but something I did on the spur of the moment. Something to describe the exact scene that morning. I really felt at peace out there then. In the dark and in the rain. I felt like I could sleep forever.

Anyway today was early book out. Had to rush for the ferry because the lousy tonners came late. And ben went for dinner with tak and xw but I couldn't make it cos I arranged something with shawn and sixu earlier. =\ Anyway went to vivo, had a light dinner and walked around. Bought a t-shirt, nothing much else.